I have a bizillion thoughts going through my head, so to make room....here's one...

Author: Dutchess of Yum // Category:
As I sit here at 1am, I am caught up in the thought that I am a selfish person. Or am I? Personally, I don't think I am. I actually never really thought I was until I was told twice this week that I was a VERY selfish person. Very is the word that clued me in to search myself. And if there are two different people calling me selfish, and they aren't aquaintences with one another, then something is making a bell go off in my head.
I honestly feel that I am one of the most giving people. Due to circumstances a lot of the time though I guess I can see why someone would call me selfish.
To stay on topic, a few reasons I don't think I'm selfish are: One, I don't know how to say no, if someone asks me to do something or needs my help, I always help. Two, I give and give of myself in every aspect of my life. My family, if they ever need anything, I am always right there to listen or help in anyway I can. My friends, I play the middle man, to help one through a tough time or to just be the shoulder to cry on. My job, I finally have a "Big Girl" job, as my dear sister, Orchid would say. I am asked to basically maintain a kitchen in an academic environment. I clean up after and prepare for classes. I run and get the Chef lunch, I type papers, grade papers, input data in the computer, clean the class room, keep a running list of product we may need for the next week, clean and straighten the classroom. I also make sure that the students have what they need at all times. If someone doesn't have a hat on or makes a minor infraction to our safety and sanitation rules, I quietly tell them so they don't loose points in the class. Im there before anyone gets there and usually there after they have all gone to finalize tasks for the next days agenda. My job title is not just a one paragraph requirement.
At home, I try to keep the house clean, aside from the lazy saturday now and then, no help from Dynamo, of course. Thinking that every toy in the play room should be allowed out to play on the living room floor or anywhere else besides the play room. The dog is just as distructive as Dynamo, as she decides to empty trash cans, play tug of war with Dynamo on any extremity she can get (ie. pant legs, shirt sleeves, shoes, toys he may be holding). The cat who thinks he is KING OF THE HOUSE! Walks around with his nose in the air until your doing something very important or time consumming and then and only then does he decide that you HAVE to pet him. But it doesn't stop there, no one stroke isn't enough, he wants to roll and cuddle me til my project in front of me is in a mess.
I am a culinary student and I never have time to actually cook a good meal, so my menu consistes of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a soup of choice, and of course we can't forget frozen foods. My refrigerator looks like one you would see in a dorm room. Pop, milk, every kind of salad dressing you can imagine-yet barely any salad to be found, 20 pieces of cheese cake, orange juice, toaster strudels....you get the point.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that I really try not to be a selfish person. I try to help those in need, try but mostly fail at not dissappointing my parents, keep my dear Dynamo from screaming and destroying our house while keeping him fed, clean, safe, and happy. The animals, well, they get to live in my house, with an abundant supply of food. I even ran out of actual pet food and made them something-yeah, time to make the dog food, but tv dinners for the humans. Anyway, I still fail to see where I am selfish. But if that's the way people see me, then I guess I must try harder to change that opinion.
Now does that mean my house has to look like a model home, no. My kid sitting on the couch without making a mess, or crying about what toy he should have gotten instead, no. My dog actually laying on the floor until I call her to me, no. My laundry always being hung up and washed in a timely manner, no. Answering every text message with a cheery response, no. Having ice in the trays every time I use the last one, no.
I am not perfect. But with everything going on in my life such as being a Single mom, Full time college student, Full time employee, attending church very regularly, actually finding time to do homework, or shower for that matter, I would just say I am extremely busy and might be human from time to time and forget to take out the trash, be too tired to sweep the floor or pick up the toys or do the small load of dishes.
Just give me a break. I'm really honestly doing the best I can without falling apart from the inside out due to all the stress of school and work. The demands of a wild child 3 year old. A puppy. The piling dishes, unmade beds, shower curtain open, missed phone calls, and laundry up to my eye balls. Believe me, when its down to granny panties, I'm feeling the stress. LOL. Only 2 more pair...yes!
Anyway. Enough venting. I'm doing the best that I can. If not, I'll try harder.

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